Together

Do you ever find yourself watching a movie you know is probably going to upset you or make you emotional and yet you do it anyways? Yeah, tonight I did that... not once, but twice!

I haven't been feeling well lately so on the evenings I can just stay home and rest I usually will watch a couple movies so I'm not laying here twiddling my thumbs in my bed. Tonight my choices were "The Good Lie" to start and then "Hachi: A Dog's Tale" to finish. Anyone who knows me already knows that second choice was not the wisest for me... animal movies ALWAYS make me cry! But let me talk about the first movie to start...

The story was about community... or better yet, family! It takes place with a group of young kids in Sudan in the midst of the war. They are trying to escape the dangers of their surroundings and they are not willing to leave anyone behind. The whole movie is about the sacrifice of each of them to better the family. I couldn't help but think about the church and how it compares. As a culture we have come so far from this kind of mindset that it's scary. We live to establish, grow and prosper ourselves. But I think about how the world would be if we lived our lives willing to lay them down for our brother... "There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." John 15:13. How we could turn this world upside down if we walked in that love!

The movie stirred up that longing in me to be back in Africa again. They just seem to get it there. The people truly understand that when you work together you can accomplish so much more and reach higher goals. They grasp that we need each other! Even God himself said it was not good for man to be alone... I'm pretty sure THE Creator of the universe would know better than any of us! I think being the extrovert that I am I recognize that need in my life. Without people to cheer for you as you are running your race, or people to run the race with you it just seems like a waste. Sometimes we just need reminders of how important the people are in our lives! 

Then, I watched the dog movie... why Nikki!?!?! Why did you do that to yourself??? lol

The first half is super cute and then something dramatic happens (as it always does) and I spent the other half of the movie sobbing my eyeballs out. Again it is a movie about relationships and faithfulness. As I sat holding my precious pup (telling him over and over again that he is not allowed to ever leave me lol) I thought about all the relationships in my life that have come through and either stayed or gone. I thought about the seasons of closeness to certain people and the sad times of having to let go and move on. But I don't think I ever move on... I think I was created with something in me that just wants to hold on to people. I mean even in good situations I struggle, so imagine the rough times!

Anyways, I'm just ranting about how important people are to me... Probably because I am in a season of a lot of alone time and not liking it very much lol! But I'm trusting the Lord that as I lay myself down and my selfish wants and desires aside that He will help me to grow and I will better be able to love those around me... even when it's hard! Because, I want to see big things happen... and it just won't be as good if I'm doing it all by myself! 

Some food for thought... why is it that one of the hardest things to deal with in life is loneliness?

28

Ouch... that number is hard to type! 28 years of life! 10 more than 18; 7 more than 21! So much has happened in all those years... things that have shaped me, smoothed me, frustrated me, excited me, made me cry, made me laugh, and so on. There have been relationships that have stuck closer than a brother/sister, and then there have been ones that have lasted only a season. There have been life changing moments and moments of dry silence. Moments for sweat shirts and moments for tank tops. My life has consisted of so much and yet not seemingly enough! But everyday I am reminded that as I surrender and let go of the reins of my life that it doesn't matter what occurs that day because it WILL bring glory to my King!

Now that was just the beginning... I am about to get real vulnerable right now and let you in on an area in my life I often keep close to me and very protected... my heart!

When I was 16 thinking about turning 18 my views on life were so narrow. I expected to meet a man in college and marry him the second we finished school. When I was 18 turning 19, those things hadn't even started to happen... then 20 and 21 and 22 and so on happened and here I am at 28, still yet to see that dream come to fulfillment. But don't take that as my hope being lost! For I am in a place in my life where Deuteronomy 31:8 strongly applies:

"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.”

You see, my standards are HIGH! I can't emphasize that enough! THEY ARE HIGH! Because I am aware (maybe not fully but drastically) of the impact relationships and marriage have on your life. And I am not willing to settle for someone who is not ordained by the Lord to be in a relationship with me! The Lord has called me to do things I can't even fathom right now, and I don't say that in a bragging manner but with a humble heart because that is a big calling and it means the one who marries me will need to carry the same desire to be 100% in the hands of the Lord. So, I pray and I fast and I pray some more. I do not take lightly the term relationship. I know that no matter the form (friendship, family, romantic) they are hard work but so worth fighting for. And so they are worth my time in prayer and worth my time in tears! BUT my life's goal is NOT relationships; my life's goal is to be in one accord with the Lord. 

So, I am going to be ending this post by doing a little prophesying over my 28th year...

1) I will walk my path as a Proverbs 31 woman. Willingly giving up all of me for 

the sake of my beloved and his children.

2) There will be a harvest this year! A harvest of health! Health in every area of my life! No more disease will dwell in my body, relationships or emotions. (Psalm 85:12)

3) My strength will come solely from the Lord! (Nehemiah 8:10)

4) My actions and responses will shine fruit from Holy Spirit so people will be 

drawn closer to Him! (Galatians 5)

5) This year is a season of rejoicing and singing and dancing... 

not before man, but unto the Lord!

If you feel any other words over my 28th year of life please don't hesitate to comment and share them with me! These are the things that cause my heart to celebrate! 

Content

I sat in a sanctuary four nights ago caught up in the sweetness of the Lord. It was supposed to be a devotional but it turned into a time of just pure worship. As the lady who was leading would sing I could feel the natural shifting away and the Kingdom of Heaven invading. It was peaceful and yet so empowering... it's funny how the Kingdom of God works like that.

In the midst of this worship session she began to sing some lyrics that penetrated me. I listened over and over again as she sang this simple little chorus and realized that she was singing what my heart was crying out...

"Tune out all other distractions;

  Isolate this one conversation.

  Spirit of wisdom and revelation

  Open up my eyes!"

Wow... even as I typed that all I can think is "wow"! There is something about asking the Lord to remove the focus of our hearts from all the things in our lives that pull us from Him and in place asking Him to open up our eyes by the Spirit who brings wisdom and revelation. Wisdom and revelation... Father, give me the thought process of Heaven; of Your Holy Spirit and Son. To become more like the Lord means to walk in those things. To respond to people with wisdom and thus releasing Kingdom. I think it's even yet too deep for me to fully comprehend, let alone write about.

So, I sat there on Friday in a place of total abandon, just me and the Lord... and I was completely and utterly content in that. I never like using that word in reference to myself because I've never wanted to be ok with where I'm at... I know there is always more and so I have always wanted to push forward. But I'm learning in this season of life that being content doesn't mean I get lazy or dull in my relationship with the Lord or in my life... it simply means, "I know You have me here, right now because You see all things in full and I only see in part. You know the beginning and the end and so I trust that if I follow where You are leading or rest when You ask me to that I will never feel empty or lonely." In realizing this it makes all those other distractions worthless and brings an excitement to each and every moment or conversation I have with the Lord.

It's not up to me how the timeline of my life turns out or if it turns out the way I expect it to at all. Because I have surrendered my life into the hands of the Alpha and Omega I know that it's under control. And even in those seasons where things don't quite make sense, like right now, there is peace in knowing that He is working it all to the good. And I am more than ok with that!

Lord, my prayer is that You would constantly remind me that I thrive and grow the most when I allow You to tune out all the distractions around me and cause me to focus solely on the moment with You. And I am most beneficial in this earth when I allow Your Spirit to open up my eyes with wisdom and revelation. Thank You for Your faithfulness to teach and grow me... I am fulfilled in You!

Come Away With Me...

My lover said to me,

“Rise up, my darling!

Come away with me, my fair one!

11 

Look, the winter is past,

and the rains are over and gone.

12 

The flowers are springing up,

the season of singing birds has come,

and the cooing of turtledoves fills the air.

13 

The fig trees are forming young fruit,

and the fragrant grapevines are blossoming.

Rise up, my darling!

Come away with me, my fair one!”

Song of Solomon 2:10-13

"Come away with me..." those words are sweet; they are refreshing; they are life-giving. The fact that THE Creator longs to steal away with me and release in and over me that which will bring fruit and beauty... it's simply (and yet so complexly) amazing. 

Tonight I cling to these verses as a promise from the Lord. That the harsh season is gone and now what is coming forth is beauty and life and hope. That by my just being with Him I am transformed and will see amazing things take place. 

The past couple months have been truly heavy for me. A lot of pruning and uprooting and rearranging of the important things in my life. I felt like I was in a tornado of never ending emotions and frustrations. Almost like being caught in a rip current and having to just hold my breath and let the ocean do its thing before I was able to get air again. It wasn't fun. And I don't think that this next season is going to be all rainbows and butterflies, but I believe that my mind has been shifted to see that "He is working all things to the good", and by me being obedient to just come away with Him I will get to walk in His life and fruit. That excites me! 

It's so easy when we are going through a harsh season to get stuck there... not because the Lord isn't helping, but because we become comfortable in the struggle and it becomes familiar to us. And we all know the human race does not like change! But in order for us to grow we have to endure hardships to build up perseverance that will establish hope in our hearts. So I now see these last couple of months of relationship issues, health problems, sadness and insecurities as times for me to learn to "come away with Him" and bear the fruit of that intimacy. 

Lord, I thank you for the refreshing of your word tonight. That you gently and lovingly speak in ways you know will minister to my heart and grow me. Thank you for loving me so much that you are jealous for my time; that you long for me to come away with you. I pray that we would learn to let your love pour over us in all times so that when the harshness of winter is past we will begin to see the beauty in the fruit of the spring. You amaze me Lord! Amen

His faithfulness!

You know, sometimes people will fail you... Actually, all the time people will fail you. We're human, it's part of our flesh. But thankfully, this post is not about the many times I have felt failed by those around me... Rather, it's about the abundantly large amount of times the Lord has NOT FAILED me. His (God's) faithfulness surpasses my wildest imagination.

You see, I have spent too much of my life counting the wrongs done to me and not enough time acknowledging the Lord's hand in my life. I have so many reasons to rejoice and celebrate because of His simple (yet deepest thing imaginable) love for me. The way He meets me in a moment of sorrow and whispers words of peace into my heart. Or the way He allows me to rest in Him when I feel overwhelmed. How about the fact that when I am rejoicing over something, He rejoices all the more. He loves me! HE loves me! SOOOO much! And He doesn't stop there, He loves YOU so much too!

It's crazy the depth of His love... I mean, come on, He IS love. So it shouldn't be hard to grasp... except for that tiny fact that we are sinners and we don't "deserve" to be loved. But even in the midst of that, He loved us SOOOO much that He gave His Son (John 3:16) for us to be able to be reconciled to Him and get to enjoy the lavishing of His love upon us.

Surely, this would excite us more! Cause us to rejoice! But, we dwell on our unworthiness as humans rather than His infinite worth of being glorified. And we don't stop there... when we feel unworthy we tend to want to bring other people down with us so we can dwell in a pity party together. Gosh, if we could just move past ourselves (myself included) and begin to just look at Him; rest in Him; be embraced by Him! The world would be such a different place!

So back to His faithfulness! I am making a vow for this New Year (really from this point on) to keep my focus on the good that He is! And rejoice in the fact that He chose me; He wants me; He loves me! Whether man meets my expectations or not... my life is not for them, but for my Beloved!

Father, I pray that today someone out there in the world that needs a reminder just like You've given me would read this post and feel you stir their heart! That we would all, as Your children, see You and allow You to overflow out of us! The closer we get to You the more we will see Your characteristics come out of us and the more effective we will be in this earth! Take our hearts and mold them! Take our minds and transform them! Thank you so much for all the MANY times you have faithfully provided, loved, encouraged, and so much more for me! I love you Lord! Amen

Use Me

Over the summer the Lord began a transition in my mind. I was being transformed by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2) and learning to be consecrated to the Lord and not caught up in the ways of this world. I felt the Lord specifically ask me to give up some things and (I don't say this as a brag) it was pretty easy for me to do it in that moment. As the last couple months have progressed and I started getting into a more "normal" schedule I have found myself slowly forgetting the consecration I was called to. Spending more and more time looking for entertainment than searching the heart of the Father. Often thinking so much about myself that I lose the purpose behind why He created me... to love Him and to love others. But tonight I am reminded that even though it's not as easy as it was this summer, the Lord is still calling to walk in His presence and to love. 

Misty Edwards has a song called "Arms Wide Open"... the lyrics are penetrating my heart tonight:

"What does love look like?" is the question I've been pondering

"What does love look like?""What does love look like?" is the question I've been asking of You
I once believed that love was romance, just a chanceI even thought that love was for the lucky and the beautifulI once believed that love was a momentary blissBut love is more than this

All You ever wanted was my attentionAll You ever wanted was love from meAll You ever wanted was my affections, to sit here at Your feet


Then I sat down, a little frustrated and confusedIf all of life comes down to loveThen love has to be more than sentimentMore than selfishness and selfish gain

And then I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at MeI saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at meHe was looking at me, looking at Him, staring through Me

I could not escape those beautiful eyesAnd I began to weep and weep
He had arms wide open, a heart exposed
Arms wide open; He was bleeding, bleeding


Love's definition, love's definition was looking at meLooking at Him, hanging on a treeI began to weep and weep and weep and weep
This is how I know what love is, this is how I know what love is


And as I sat there weeping, cryingThose beautiful eyes, full of desire and love
He said to me, "You shall love Me, You shall love MeYou shall love Me, You shall love Me"


With arms wide open, a heart exposedWith arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding


If anybody's looking for love in all the wrong placesIf you've been searching for love, come to Me, come to MeTake up your cross, deny yourselfForget your father's house and run, run with MeYou were made for abandonment, wholeheartednessYou were made for someone greater, someone bigger, so Follow MeAnd You'll come alive when you learn to die"

So, I am asking the Lord tonight to engrain in me the depth of His love so that I would long for nothing else. That I would be fully satisfied by Him and His will for me. That what I take in would be pure and righteous and what I would release would be sweetness to His eyes and ears. I want to see lives changed because I am allowing Him to have His way. You see, it's easy to seek the love or affection of man, but it doesn't satisfy. The only way I know I will feel whole at all times is by being in Him! In His presence! In His will!

If you are ready to stop living for self tonight, He's there. He's ready for us to release our control to Him. He's ready to release us in the earth so that we can release His Kingdom! 

Here I am Lord. Broken and ready for you to use to pour out your Spirit. Mold me into who you would have me to be! Give me the strength and courage to walk in obedience to that and teach me to be patient in your presence... not to rush through to the next thing. Still and at rest before you! I love you!

He's Worth It...

"Most of us never truly die to self --- we never really walk through the painful process of laying every hope, dream, and wish of our heart upon the altar before our King, or of letting our identity become swallowed up in Him. And as a result, our emotions, personality, and desires quickly take over and control us, hollering and bellowing and clamoring for us to build our life around them." -Sacred Singleness (Leslie Ludy) (pg 32)

A sweet friend of mine lent me this book to read in a very timely season. The excerpt above is a truth many of us never really know or care to know. It's not fun for us to have to lay ourselves at the feet of Jesus... and that's what we've thought our whole lives right?!?! That following Jesus would be all butterflies, rainbows and lollipops. That life would be easy. We could follow Jesus and never struggle. But... the struggle is real. The word tells us, "To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." (1 Peter 2:21) That right there will mess up a whole lot of Christian's theologies. 

But I don't believe the struggle we have as followers of Christ is anything like that of the struggles we face in this world. For His yoke is easy and His burden light (Matthew 11:30). It comes down to our choice... will we fully surrender? Fully give ourselves up for the Kingdom? Will we lay aside our dreams, desires and passions to pick up those of the Lord's? I'm pondering on this tonight because the last few days have been ones filled with emotions, and at moments I allowed those emotions to dictate my actions and words. I allowed my desires and expectations to take precedence over what Holy Spirit was asking me to do in the moment. And as I reflect back over the last couple days I can see the selfishness in it all... that is NOT how I want to live my life!

"Emotions MUST become subservient to the Spirit of God --- to His will, His agenda, His purpose, and His direction. The vast majority of us have become enslaved to our own feelings rather than bond servants of Jesus Christ. We should never make decisions based upon what we FEEL like doing, but on what our Lord is asking of us. Loving Him is first an act of the will, a choice to put Him first, no matter what our feelings tell us. Once we learn to love Him with our will, our emotions and feelings naturally follow suit, and it becomes our greatest delight to give our lives wholly to Him. As the psalmist said, "I delight to do thy will, O my God!" (Psalm 40:8)" -Sacred Singleness (pg 32)

Tonight as I sit and think over this my heart yearns to not be one that half heartedly tells the Lord "I am Yours!" It is with all of me, mind, body and soul, that I give myself to the Lord! Sure, I'll slip up and try to take control, but in those moments I pray that through the Lord's grace He helps to refocus me and get me back to a place of laying myself down for His namesake. 

These are not goals for anyone but Him. I am not even doing this for myself! Not for the family I once hoped for so desperately; the husband I have always longed for; the ministry He's promised me... all of those things fall very short of the fulfillment that comes from being in Him. I WILL TO BE content in Him!

So, tonight, if you read this and you feel a discontent or feel like your trying to control your own life is not working out, ask Him to take control. Ask Him to help you lay it all down before Him. He's worth it! Even if we never see a dream fulfilled, HE IS WORTH IT!