His faithfulness!

You know, sometimes people will fail you... Actually, all the time people will fail you. We're human, it's part of our flesh. But thankfully, this post is not about the many times I have felt failed by those around me... Rather, it's about the abundantly large amount of times the Lord has NOT FAILED me. His (God's) faithfulness surpasses my wildest imagination.

You see, I have spent too much of my life counting the wrongs done to me and not enough time acknowledging the Lord's hand in my life. I have so many reasons to rejoice and celebrate because of His simple (yet deepest thing imaginable) love for me. The way He meets me in a moment of sorrow and whispers words of peace into my heart. Or the way He allows me to rest in Him when I feel overwhelmed. How about the fact that when I am rejoicing over something, He rejoices all the more. He loves me! HE loves me! SOOOO much! And He doesn't stop there, He loves YOU so much too!

It's crazy the depth of His love... I mean, come on, He IS love. So it shouldn't be hard to grasp... except for that tiny fact that we are sinners and we don't "deserve" to be loved. But even in the midst of that, He loved us SOOOO much that He gave His Son (John 3:16) for us to be able to be reconciled to Him and get to enjoy the lavishing of His love upon us.

Surely, this would excite us more! Cause us to rejoice! But, we dwell on our unworthiness as humans rather than His infinite worth of being glorified. And we don't stop there... when we feel unworthy we tend to want to bring other people down with us so we can dwell in a pity party together. Gosh, if we could just move past ourselves (myself included) and begin to just look at Him; rest in Him; be embraced by Him! The world would be such a different place!

So back to His faithfulness! I am making a vow for this New Year (really from this point on) to keep my focus on the good that He is! And rejoice in the fact that He chose me; He wants me; He loves me! Whether man meets my expectations or not... my life is not for them, but for my Beloved!

Father, I pray that today someone out there in the world that needs a reminder just like You've given me would read this post and feel you stir their heart! That we would all, as Your children, see You and allow You to overflow out of us! The closer we get to You the more we will see Your characteristics come out of us and the more effective we will be in this earth! Take our hearts and mold them! Take our minds and transform them! Thank you so much for all the MANY times you have faithfully provided, loved, encouraged, and so much more for me! I love you Lord! Amen

Use Me

Over the summer the Lord began a transition in my mind. I was being transformed by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2) and learning to be consecrated to the Lord and not caught up in the ways of this world. I felt the Lord specifically ask me to give up some things and (I don't say this as a brag) it was pretty easy for me to do it in that moment. As the last couple months have progressed and I started getting into a more "normal" schedule I have found myself slowly forgetting the consecration I was called to. Spending more and more time looking for entertainment than searching the heart of the Father. Often thinking so much about myself that I lose the purpose behind why He created me... to love Him and to love others. But tonight I am reminded that even though it's not as easy as it was this summer, the Lord is still calling to walk in His presence and to love. 

Misty Edwards has a song called "Arms Wide Open"... the lyrics are penetrating my heart tonight:

"What does love look like?" is the question I've been pondering

"What does love look like?""What does love look like?" is the question I've been asking of You
I once believed that love was romance, just a chanceI even thought that love was for the lucky and the beautifulI once believed that love was a momentary blissBut love is more than this

All You ever wanted was my attentionAll You ever wanted was love from meAll You ever wanted was my affections, to sit here at Your feet


Then I sat down, a little frustrated and confusedIf all of life comes down to loveThen love has to be more than sentimentMore than selfishness and selfish gain

And then I saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at MeI saw Him there, hanging on a tree, looking at meHe was looking at me, looking at Him, staring through Me

I could not escape those beautiful eyesAnd I began to weep and weep
He had arms wide open, a heart exposed
Arms wide open; He was bleeding, bleeding


Love's definition, love's definition was looking at meLooking at Him, hanging on a treeI began to weep and weep and weep and weep
This is how I know what love is, this is how I know what love is


And as I sat there weeping, cryingThose beautiful eyes, full of desire and love
He said to me, "You shall love Me, You shall love MeYou shall love Me, You shall love Me"


With arms wide open, a heart exposedWith arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding


If anybody's looking for love in all the wrong placesIf you've been searching for love, come to Me, come to MeTake up your cross, deny yourselfForget your father's house and run, run with MeYou were made for abandonment, wholeheartednessYou were made for someone greater, someone bigger, so Follow MeAnd You'll come alive when you learn to die"

So, I am asking the Lord tonight to engrain in me the depth of His love so that I would long for nothing else. That I would be fully satisfied by Him and His will for me. That what I take in would be pure and righteous and what I would release would be sweetness to His eyes and ears. I want to see lives changed because I am allowing Him to have His way. You see, it's easy to seek the love or affection of man, but it doesn't satisfy. The only way I know I will feel whole at all times is by being in Him! In His presence! In His will!

If you are ready to stop living for self tonight, He's there. He's ready for us to release our control to Him. He's ready to release us in the earth so that we can release His Kingdom! 

Here I am Lord. Broken and ready for you to use to pour out your Spirit. Mold me into who you would have me to be! Give me the strength and courage to walk in obedience to that and teach me to be patient in your presence... not to rush through to the next thing. Still and at rest before you! I love you!

He's Worth It...

"Most of us never truly die to self --- we never really walk through the painful process of laying every hope, dream, and wish of our heart upon the altar before our King, or of letting our identity become swallowed up in Him. And as a result, our emotions, personality, and desires quickly take over and control us, hollering and bellowing and clamoring for us to build our life around them." -Sacred Singleness (Leslie Ludy) (pg 32)

A sweet friend of mine lent me this book to read in a very timely season. The excerpt above is a truth many of us never really know or care to know. It's not fun for us to have to lay ourselves at the feet of Jesus... and that's what we've thought our whole lives right?!?! That following Jesus would be all butterflies, rainbows and lollipops. That life would be easy. We could follow Jesus and never struggle. But... the struggle is real. The word tells us, "To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." (1 Peter 2:21) That right there will mess up a whole lot of Christian's theologies. 

But I don't believe the struggle we have as followers of Christ is anything like that of the struggles we face in this world. For His yoke is easy and His burden light (Matthew 11:30). It comes down to our choice... will we fully surrender? Fully give ourselves up for the Kingdom? Will we lay aside our dreams, desires and passions to pick up those of the Lord's? I'm pondering on this tonight because the last few days have been ones filled with emotions, and at moments I allowed those emotions to dictate my actions and words. I allowed my desires and expectations to take precedence over what Holy Spirit was asking me to do in the moment. And as I reflect back over the last couple days I can see the selfishness in it all... that is NOT how I want to live my life!

"Emotions MUST become subservient to the Spirit of God --- to His will, His agenda, His purpose, and His direction. The vast majority of us have become enslaved to our own feelings rather than bond servants of Jesus Christ. We should never make decisions based upon what we FEEL like doing, but on what our Lord is asking of us. Loving Him is first an act of the will, a choice to put Him first, no matter what our feelings tell us. Once we learn to love Him with our will, our emotions and feelings naturally follow suit, and it becomes our greatest delight to give our lives wholly to Him. As the psalmist said, "I delight to do thy will, O my God!" (Psalm 40:8)" -Sacred Singleness (pg 32)

Tonight as I sit and think over this my heart yearns to not be one that half heartedly tells the Lord "I am Yours!" It is with all of me, mind, body and soul, that I give myself to the Lord! Sure, I'll slip up and try to take control, but in those moments I pray that through the Lord's grace He helps to refocus me and get me back to a place of laying myself down for His namesake. 

These are not goals for anyone but Him. I am not even doing this for myself! Not for the family I once hoped for so desperately; the husband I have always longed for; the ministry He's promised me... all of those things fall very short of the fulfillment that comes from being in Him. I WILL TO BE content in Him!

So, tonight, if you read this and you feel a discontent or feel like your trying to control your own life is not working out, ask Him to take control. Ask Him to help you lay it all down before Him. He's worth it! Even if we never see a dream fulfilled, HE IS WORTH IT! 

The doubt...

What if... that question tends to be a stumbler for most people. It can often block us from moving forward with actions because of the fear that is attached to it. It can block trust and faith from shining through in our lives and keep us from experiencing true freedom. This is fresh in my mind today because of the season I just stepped into this week. I accepted a position as a front desk secretary. And don't misread my emotions, I am so excited to be working and be around people daily, but if we go back to the first line of this entry that question keeps popping up. 

What if I get stuck here?

What if it changes me?

What if I have to stop doing ministry?

What if I miss out?

What if? What if? What if?

You see, I have this desire to live a life of ministry... and I believe I am called to that life also. I believe the giftings the Lord has given me were specifically because He's called me into ministry. Now if I had my way I would be traveling weekly to places to minister and share the message the Lord has placed in my heart, but His ways are higher than my ways. He knows better than I where I need to be and for how long. So, why then am I asking all these what if's all the time? Why am I fearful that I won't see promises He's made me come to fruition? It's all because of this ridiculous thing called flesh. 

As I sit here typing I'm having this amazing revelation... the more I give in to these negative "what if" questions the less glory I am giving to the Lord. For if His word says He works all things to the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose then I should know that His mighty hand will show through. 

He will use me!

He will grow me!

He will open doors for me!

He will give me opportunities to minister!

He is a faithful God! And all that He does stems from love because HE IS LOVE! So there is no part of His being that wants to see me fail. And there is no part of Him that lies, so the promises He's made will come forth. Today I am thankful to serve a God who is constant and kind!

Relationships

I am a person of high energy that needs people around me. I tend to feel very worn out when I spend a lot of time by myself... and if I don't get time with my friends very often, it begins to feel like I'm on an island somewhere. Oh the joys of extrovertism (yes, I made that word up!).

In this time of my life I am thankful for every relationship I have. There are people that pour into me and push me to grow further than I can imagine myself growing. There are people running beside me in this race and cheering me on as I cheer for them as well. And I've got these relationships with all these amazing teenagers who allow me to speak into their lives. There is just something so fulfilling when you have relationships with people who long to grow and want you to help them get there. So my life is very full of relationships and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

With relationships there often comes frustrations and learning curves... and drama (especially when dealing with teens lol)! And we learn, we talk, we argue, we cry, sometimes we throw fits or shut down but nevertheless we grow... we MUST grow. I have friends in my life that know me pretty well, 3 to be exact. These 3 are the ones that I run to when I am sad, hurting, emotional, or rejoicing and celebrating. They know many of the ups and downs. They also tend to know me better than myself at times. But the quality I love that these 3 share is ears to hear the Lord. They often have opinions and will share them with me, but more so when they share what the Lord is speaking to them it brings this sense of relief to me. How lucky am I to have people in my life that seek the Lord and find Him and heed His directions. 

When God created Adam He said it was "not good for man to be alone"... And there are so many verses in the Bible about being a body and connected to the people around you:

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 ESV

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

1 Corinthians 12:25-27 ESV

That there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.

Proverbs 27:17 ESV 

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

The Bible clearly shows us that we are better when we allow relationships in our lives. Not because it's always fun, but because they give us accountability and encouragement. When I look back a the seasons in my life where relationships were not all around me, I recognize that those were times of deep struggle. I struggled to hear the Lord; I struggled with feeling depressed; the struggles were real... literally. I didn't have people to help me see past that moment or to call me out on my bull. And so I dwelt in a circle of my own thoughts and the enemies mind games. So I recognize clearly that without relationships it is hard to live this life fully.

All that to say, be vulnerable... it's a process I'm still learning, but the more open we are, the deeper the Lord can take us. Let people speak into your life. Let them sharpen you. Let them celebrate with you. Be willing to hear what they have to say EVEN IF IT HURTS. Because the Lord will use those relationships to mold us into the best we can be. 

*stepping off of soap box now* lol

Seasons

As I sit in my bedroom with candles lit, windows opened and the sound of the dogs running around in the yard with the smell of fall all around me... it makes me think on the many seasons my life has brought me through thus far.

The baby years, toddler years (both of which I obviously cannot remember), elementary school, middle school, high school, college... all of these mostly awkward and defined by my age. Then the after college years start and I recognize a shift in the seasons. I remember the season of joblessness for 3 years and then the season of Bay Fusion for the 3 after that. Seasons of hopelessness in being single and then seasons of rejoicing for the freedom of singledom. Seasons of ministry and seasons of rest... mind you the latter of those two is decently harder than the first. So many seasons to learn so many lessons and see growth. But it never matters which season I am thinking about, I can see the hand of the Lord clearly in the midst.

Right now in this season of walking in trust and peace the previous seasons bring me a sense of hope. For in all of those times the Lord never failed to bring fruit out of things that may have seemed furthest from being able to produce anything good. He is so faithful.

It's funny this season of life. I was certain the pictures I had in my mind at ages 16, 21 and 25 for this time in life would be exactly how I was living... but I'm pretty far off from those places. And that's ok with me. Because part of living a life of obedience to the Lord is trusting that His ways are higher than my ways. Where I thought things had to look 'this way' in order for my life to mean something, the Lord spoke softly and said, "my love, trust your beloved." Somehow, those words just make everything ok. :)

So, here I am... trusting. Maybe I will have those dreams come true... or, maybe my dreams will change! There's only One that knows and He's got my heart. In season and out, I will trust Him.