A Journey None the Less

For those of you who have been following my journey with some health issues, the end of this blog will serve as an update for you. But first, for those who don't know what's been going on, a little bit of back story...

Around two and a half years ago I started having some issues with cramping in my left side. I shrugged it off because it was annoying but not detrimental to my life. Six months later I was sent by my employer to get a physical and the doctor informed me that she could feel some swelling and a lump in what she thought could be my ovary. Of course no body wants to hear that especially someone without insurance at the time. Within a month of that appointment pain started increasing  and the frequency of how often I was cramping grew. It was no longer annoying, it was beginning to keep me from functioning normally. I knew I needed to figure out some insurance, and so I started on that journey about a year in and let me tell you it was not easy. After a long and quite obnoxious trail of paperwork and circles of conversations with people, I was finally approved for insurance in April of 2015 that would kick in starting a few months after that.

All during this time of waiting and praying my symptoms got worse and some others were even added to the list. I was overwhelmed, worn out and just wanting to be healthy. I met with my doctor and explained all the things that had been happening (cramping, fevers, menstrual issues, headaches, nausea, etc) and he scheduled me with a Women's Specialist pretty quickly. I was excited to see the specialist because to me that meant answers were coming... little did I know.

My first meeting with the specialist was one of THE MOST horrific days of my life. Sounds dramatic? It was! I will spare you the details, but let's just say while she was examining me we found that my body parts just didn't want to cooperate and that led to a LOT of pain!!!! I don't even have words for the pain. Not only was it painful but it didn't bring any answers AND the Women's Specialist was rude and communicated with me like I was some moron. You know what I'm talking about, right? When someone talks down to you and makes you feel like your questions are unimportant... whew, some forgiveness had to happen there, let me tell you!

From there we began with blood test and urine tests and then some more blood tests... it seemed to be a never ending cycle. I was getting no answers and just felt like a hamster on a wheel going round and round and round. In the midst of all this testing I started getting migraines. Can I just tell you, I was done. Literally over it. My extrovert personality and love for ministry suffered... I did nothing but go to work and come home and sleep. I wore sunglasses all the time because my eyes were so sensitive to light that it would immediately trigger a migraine. I was running a low grade fever pretty much everyday and still, there were no answers. I couldn't laugh because it hurt my head, I couldn't read because it hurt my head and I couldn't sing because... well, it hurt my head. And I was NOT happy about it!

At this point the migraines became a priority to figure out, but I was sent for an ultrasound of my pelvic where they found that there were many cysts forming and several cysts that had burst in my ovaries. So I had an answer, without a solution. They put me on pain meds to try to manage the cramping and then we began the cycle of testing all over again but now for the migraines. All my blood work came back normal except my vitamin d, which was pretty much non existent. I was started on a prescription high dose of vitamin d to get that number right. They did eye tests on me, had me keep a journal of my day to see if anything out of the norm was affecting me and finally I was sent to get a CAT Scan of my head. The day of the scan I had a pretty normal (for me at the time) migraine, but when we got the results there were no abnormalities in my brain. Even on the right side where I was feeling a ton of constant pressure. Back to square one and feeling more frustrated and overwhelmed as ever my doctor put me on a new med to try to ease some of the migraines.

It was here that I had this random thought about going to see the dentist. I mean, I hadn't been in a long time and I was now covered by insurance so why not add to the eight million doctor appointments I already had every week. :)

I knew going in to the dentist that the first thing they would say to me was that I needed to get my wisdom teeth out asap. I had heard that the last time I went to the dentist but was not covered for it so it didn't happen. And sure enough, as soon as they took the first X-rays the dental assistant said "oh my, those things need to come out!" But guess what, my insurance still wouldn't cover it. In that same dental appointment the dentist said to me that there was a lot going on with my teeth and asked if I had been having headaches. I almost cried because it seemed too easy that it could be my teeth causing these issues in my head. So I took to my doctor the information that the dentist had given to see if there would be a way to have my health insurance cover the extraction of my wisdom teeth and the root canals that needed to take place. My doctor said he would contact the insurance company.

So that brings us to the most recent part of this journey of mine. About a month and a half ago I was laying on the couch feeling terrible of course, when I bit down and had a harsh pain. When I opened my mouth I had half of a tooth that had broken off. I could have cried. I should have cried lol, but instead I just added it to the list. I had to deal with it, because I couldn't eat. So that Monday I went to work, told my wonderful boss that I was going to have to see the emergency oral surgeon at Highland Hospital and I wasn't sure what was going to happen or when I'd be back to work. Bless her heart.

Highland got me in fast and said all that I suspected they would say, "these have to go". They had to remove my broken molar and the wisdom tooth that was right next to it. Due to the roots of my teeth being SUPER crooked and big they had to break the teeth up using a drill. Because of this, my jaw was fractured. Are you cry laughing yet? Try living this real life story! Oye!

I couldn't talk, couldn't eat, was in a ton of pain in my head from the pain in my mouth and jaw. If I never was a mess before, I was certainly one now. The surgeon said the other 3 wisdom teeth had to come out too but they couldn't do them all that day so they scheduled me to come back 3 weeks later. I missed almost 2 weeks of work trying to recoup and getting myself to the place I could talk again... but I made it through.

When it came time for my second surgery I was convinced of two things: 1) I hated teeth problems lol and 2) this WAS going to help my head. I mean I was convinced. I had people praying with me that this "problem" would become the solution and I would be able to move forward with life. I went in with HIGH expectations and I wasn't budging from that position.

The surgeon said to me at the beginning of the surgery that he wasn't sure he'd be able to get all three teeth out that day and he may only be able to do 2... in my head I cancelled out that plan of the enemy and said NOPE! All 3 are coming out today. lol I told you I was DE-TERM-INED! He began with the top right tooth and pulls it out whole. As soon as it came out I felt this pop of relief from pressure that was being caused by the tooth hitting the nerve. That was one hallelujah! Two more to go. He moved to the bottom right and of course, just as the previous surgery on the bottom opposite side, they had to drill it because my root was too dang crooked and the tooth was the largest he'd ever seen. What comes with drilling my teeth into bits? Another fracture to my jaw.

When he finished dealing with that part of my mouth he said to me, "well, would you like me to try for the third one? or do you want to come back?" If only he could have read my mind right then... again I say Oye! lol

I told him go ahead (in the most non-understable way you can while you have a numb mouth and dental tools in there). He got the tooth prepared to pull out whole and warned me that it was going to hurt in my cheek because the roots were so on top of the nerve (or something like that) and he couldn't numb that close to my ear. So I braced for impact! He started pulling and I immediately knew what he meant... it hurt, a freaking lot! I clenched my fists but the more he pulled the more pain and pressure I felt in my ear. He asked if I wanted him to stop and I said NO!!!! I was sobbing and hyperventilating and screaming. Right before he got the tooth out it felt like my ear drum was going to explode. I thought for sure I was going to go deaf... who knew you could feel like that when at the dentist?

The tooth came out and again I felt this huge pop of pressure in my head. And then I knew, I was right! I gathered my composure, calmed my breathing and took a pretty gnarly picture of the two teeth that were still whole. I was so anxious to get out of there that the dentist had to chase me down to give me back my sunglasses that I had left behind. I got home and spent the next two weeks resting and healing. My jaw is still not fully healed and so I can't eat normal food yet. And I do still have to go back to get several root canals done. But I am so excited and happy to let you know that I have been migraine free for 3 weeks. I stopped my migraine medicine about two and a half weeks ago and have only had a slight headache once or twice, but I can tell it's from a stiff neck from resting in bed so much and not from the same kind of pain as before.

I am literally so pleased! And so grateful. There were many people in my life that had to deal with a me that was not really me for the last ten-ish months. I've been a hermit locked away just trying to survive and that is the complete opposite of me! I can't thank the Lord enough for that silly broken molar... don't ever doubt that the Lord will use terrible situations to bring about good!

Now that my mind feels so free to be me again, I feel I can put some more effort and prayer into figuring out how to deal with the cysts and the bursting of the cysts in my ovaries. You know pain like that almost seems minute when your brain has been hurting so much and you haven't been able to think or function like a real human being. But I will not settle for only partial healing in my body! I am believing that the Lord has a plan to bring complete restoration to me and that I will be able to move forward in loving Him and loving His people.

When I set out to write this blog I did not intend it to be a novel, but I just felt like this portion of my journey needed to be shared. So I am sorry it is the longest thing ever lol But please, rejoice with me! For our God is great and greatly to be praised! His faithfulness is astounding and I want the world to know that it's been a crazy journey, but it's been a journey none the less. And every journey has a beginning and an ending... don't give up if you're in the middle of one right now!

Identify Me

Tonight as I was watching some good ole "Fixer Upper" on HGTV a commercial came on that triggered a thought that has now prompted this post. With all the craziness this country, and world, have been going through lately I feel like this is a timely reminder. So let me share the commercial with you: Lezlie's Story

"I do feel like Ancestry gave me a sense of identity."

I felt a heaviness for us, as children of God, our Father and our Creator, not truly knowing who we are and thus not being able to walk in our true identity. There are so many things in this world that we could try to find our identity in: money, relationships, appearances, family, friends, ministries, careers, ethnicity/race, etc. And I find it is interesting timing to bring up the latter two in this list. With the #bluelivesmatter and #blacklivesmatter campaigns growing rampantly as the days pass, my heart is stirred to pray for both groupings of people to realize they don't need these hashtags for them to "matter" because they both matter already. These hashtags represent hurt and frustration but for the most part, it seems that people just want to be recognized and respected for who they are. The problem is that we think "we are ____" is our identity.

Why does identifying as a certain ethnicity mean you should be treated better or worse? Why does putting on a uniform identify someone as being perfect or having evil intent? We're all human, and we're all going to make human judgments and mistakes, that's why! One side says "you don't respect me because of this" and the other side responds back "I won't respect you because you don't respect me"... and we find ourselves in a whirlwind of a circle. Shouting the same hurtful things back and forth. What comes of it? More hurt. More disrespect. More hate. Is that what we really want our identities to be wrapped up in? I want to challenge us as a nation, as human beings, to not accept that as truth!

When Jesus came to earth to offer us a way out of sin and bondage, He knew His identity. He was firm in who He is. He is the Name above every name. And yet, when men were spitting in His face and placing a crown of thorns on His head and eventually hanging Him on the cross He did not say "Don't you know who I am? Don't you understand that I am the King of Kings?" In fact, in His love for us and the humility in His heart He said "Father forgive them for they know not what they do.(Luke 23:34)"

Wow... how powerful is that? Jesus was so firm in His identity that He did not need to call out for recognition or respect in a time when the world was against Him but He called out for OUR freedom! Whew, I need a moment there to process that!

Can we learn from Jesus' example? Can we push aside selfish and prideful mindsets, accept our identity as children of God and love those around us? Can we at least try? The enemy obviously does not want us to know who we truly are and so he will do anything he can to bring disunity and hate.  But I know that the more we pursue a relationship with the Lord the better we will understand our true identity and the better we can love. The more we love, the better we learn to respect each other. And the more love and respect we have, the better our world will be. And I am ready to live in a world that is a reflection of Heaven on earth rather than just trying to survive a world that is hell on earth. It's time for us to let the Lord show us who we are and walk it out! Let's do this!

Lord, tonight my heart is stirred for Your children to allow You to identify them, us! Help us to see who You created us to be and to carry out the love You have called us to walk in. I am believing for a reviving of Your children and a revelation of our identities. May we see each other the way that You see us... not as black or blue, or tall or short, or even loud or quiet, but as chosen and loved. Burn off the chains of hate that bind that hearts of our nation and world and cut off the enemies plans to bring destruction and disunity. Let Your Kingdom come and Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven! Amen!!!

What About Me?

What do you do when your whole being feels stuck and yet the whole world around you keeps moving? When your dreams are feeling lost in some other galaxy but everyone around you seems to be enjoying the fruit of their hopes? You long to travel but can't and everyone else seems to be able to while you are waiting. You're waiting for a husband while all your friends from high school and college are already married, engaged or soon to be. Your heart yearns for a child, and every other post on FB is either a pregnancy or birth announcement. You want to be healthy; you want to do what you're called to do. It' a hard season to be in and I know many of us are there... so I want to speak to the tiny bit of hope that is still stirring.

I watched a video tonight that is going viral on FB. It is the story of a couple with the promise of a child. Not just any child, but a little girl, with olive skin whose name would be Chloe. They share of the struggle they faced for years when they had no comprehension where this child would come from since they could not conceive. It tested their trust, their faith and their hope. The Lord had made a promise but it was a promise that would take place in His perfect timing. I don't want to destroy the whole story for you so I will attach the video to my blog for you to enjoy... it's worth the watch!

One of the subjects that came up briefly in the video was the pain this couple felt when all their friends were announcing pregnancies and babies but they seemed to have no hope. It tested their hearts on the goodness of God. How can we, as human beings, celebrate the joys that we long for when we aren't seeing them but others are? It's hard. There's no simple way of putting it. It is hard to rejoice with friends living their dreams when it feels like you'll never be able to celebrate your own. 

I am in that hard season right now where I am not seeing dreams happen. I am not seeing much of anything happen. And I don't say that to stir up sympathy, but simply to be honest. I want to share my perspective and the things the Lord is showing me through this time. We have to know ourselves and know how we need to process things but we also need to know that the Lord is good... no ifs, ands or buts about it. So, let me share with you some lessons that I'm learning...

For a tree to achieve it's purpose it takes work. Different trees require different amounts of work: watering, protecting from cold, stabilizing, pruning, etc. Some trees grow quickly, some take hundreds of years to reach their height. But the thing is, the tree never has to try to figure out how to make it's purpose happen on it's own. The planter who chose the seed, knowing it's potential and what it would need to reach that potential, knew the amount of work that would be needed to make this tree the best that it could be. And it reminds me of the Father. He knows because He created. He knew us before we were in our mother's wombs, and He knows the plans He has for us. That right there brings a peace to my over working mind already. 

Another thing I'm learning is that it is ok to be sad. It is ok to process through our emotions. What is not ok is dwelling on hurts because that will only stir up jealousy and bitterness. Though it may be hard and require some extra effort, we need to choose to rejoice over the joyous moments in the lives of the people around us... because love is not selfish. And the Lord has not just left us out to hang dry while these circumstances are happening, He has sent us His Holy Spirit to be our comfort, to give us the right words and to help us look through with Kingdom perspective. We are not doing this alone. How good is our God? SELAH!

And the last thought I will leave you with is this: we need to dig in to the Lord deeply in this season of life. He will uplift us. His word will nourish us. He will stir up our hope and our trust. It may not be easy, but what HE has for us in HIS right timing is worth so much more than the rushed options we could try to pull out of a hat. And that is more than good enough for me. In His perfection, if I have to wait till I'm 80, I will choose to follow His lead and wait. 

         Isaiah 55:8-9

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,

Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord.

 

“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

So are My ways higher than your ways

And My thoughts than your thoughts."

Lord, my prayer right now is that those who are hurting in a time of waiting would be lifted up by You. All it takes is one moment with You for our perspectives to be shifted. So Holy Spirit dwell with us. Teach how to be loving and filled with joy especially when our flesh is telling us to throw in the towel and carry around bitterness and jealousy. We can only process as deep as our fleshly nature allows us unless we have You... so I invite You to come and change our hearts! More of You and less of us. And we wait patiently for the promises and dreams that cling to our hearts and minds, but until then teach us how to simply obey. In Jesus' name, Amen!

HE Has Overcome!

I am sad and righteously angry at the events of this past week. The fact that so many people have lost their lives makes my stomach churn and a fire burn inside of me. I cannot comprehend the thoughts in the minds of the men who have caused this time of grief and pain. But what I do know is this: the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10)... period. He has no intent of doing good. He has no desire to be helpful. And he will not preserve life. But God, in the midst of pain, sorrow and questioning offers us a light in the darkness... His name is Jesus.

John 16:33

"These things I (Jesus) have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD."

This is not a nonchalant word that the Lord just placed in scripture for no reason... this is POWER! It is release in AUTHORITY! It tells us that even though the world may seemingly be crumbling to have FAITH, for He has already taken care of it. So cling to this verse, hide it in your heart and think on it daily. And when the enemy thinks he is sly and can stir up chaos and pain, throw this verse in his big ugly face and declare: JESUS IS MY OVERCOMER!!!

  Lord, we are in a season of pain in our world... people are dying, possibly not even knowing You and Your great love for them. Families are losing loved ones. The entertainment industry is losing those who are willing to shine Your light in a dark world! BUT, You are ever faithful and You are ever true! So I ask for a special outpouring of your glory and for a dwelling of Your presence around us. When the whole earth shakes, would we remember that You are our loving Father and faithful friend. 

  I ask for visitation of Your Spirit to visit the families of those who are suffering through these tragedies. Breathe Your life in their hearts where it may feel like they don't even want to live. Let them come to know Your love for them and find comfort in Your arms. May they be surrounded by people who speak words of life and wisdom, and not words of hurt and blame. Stir up intercessors around the world that will cover them in prayer at every moment. Blessed are they that mourn!

  And Lord, I ask for Your church to rise up. That this would be a time to bless and love on the hurting. That Your light would shine through us so brightly and that all of the fleshly mindsets that the enemy would like to use to bring further pain would be broken off. We are Your salt in this earth, so help us to be just that! This is a time for love and comfort and I declare that Your bride will walk in those things! In Your Holy and Precious Name, Amen!

Truth or Lies

Can I start off by sharing that the last 2 weeks I have felt defeated? Well I have, AND I didn't even know it. It's not really the defeat like in sports where you didn't gain enough points to beat the other team... But it's the defeat that comes with words like this: "I guess this is just the way it is and will be." That melancholy, lackadaisical, no fight left kind of defeated. The enemy hasn't even won and I'm throwing up the white flag. And the scary part,  I didn't even realize it until today. BUT GOD... and I'll get to that in a minute.

Last week I went to get a CT head scan done because of the horrible migraines and headaches I've been having. I know I've shared in previous blogs that I'm in the middle of some health struggles, but the last 2 weeks have just been rough. On top of all the issues with my uterus and ovaries, I have been a mess. And everyday that I don't receive answers from tests it's like I take this mental white flag and say that this is the way I am and will be. Though I pray and pray and BEG God for healing and freedom from these things, I've not seen any progress or relief. When people ask me how I'm doing, I think to myself: "why do they even ask, it's just the same story over and over again!" And I feel completely annoying always responding with negative. And so HAS been the story of my life recently...

Today I came home pretty quickly after work to wait for a house cleaner to show up. I waited... and waited... and continued to wait. An hour after the time she was supposed to be here she still hadn't arrived so I did what most Americans do now days to waste time, I got on Facebook. After 45 minutes of wasting my life scrolling (don't even judge me... I know you've done it too! lol) I happened upon a post that was made by someone I don't know. They had tagged one of my FB friends and so it randomly popped up on my feed. It was a blog that one of the leaders from The RAMP ministry in AL  had written... I was decently over scrolling so I clicked the link to the blog and began reading.

The blog was short, and honestly I don't remember much that it said except for the fact that it had a link to watch a clip of Karen Wheaton speaking and sharing the story of restoration with her family from the last couple of years. I knew bits and pieces of this testimony and so I thought, eh why not give it a watch? When I clicked on the link I did what I do most times I click on videos to watch... I checked how long it was. And whew it was long. I moved my finger to that little x on the top left part of the screen and I was ready to close the page when I had a quick thought, "what if this is for you?" Well, can you really ignore a thought like that, especially when you believe in the Living God that still speaks to us?

Within minutes I knew the Lord wanted to speak to me through this video. Mrs. Karen began by briefly describing the will of God and the mysteries of God. And in those simple breakdowns there was a word that really captured my heart... When you know the will of God, because His will is His word, and you are a friend of God, you have the confidence to approach the thrown room with declarations of His will... you have authority to bombard the gates of hell with the declarations that "He is willing that NONE shall perish!"... both of those things are two very deep, gut wrenching places for me right now. And so my attention was got!

I sat and watched this video for the entirety of her message. I declared over myself that I would remember my place and calling and would step in to it. I asked the Lord to forgive me for being quick to forget His word and declarations. And I thought of scriptures that stirred my faith and hope. Because the reality of the fact is what is happening in the natural is only temporary... but when His kingdom comes and His will is done on earth as it is in heaven, the natural has to come into alignment with Him... sickness has to flee!

Side note: How great of the Lord to use this time of waiting for a house cleaner who is running late and my need to fill curiosity to speak to some very tender places in my heart! He's a good God!

So I leave you with 2 things... Karen Wheaton's message I watched... do yourself a favor and watch it: click here. And with a thought: if you are struggling, with health issues or lost loved ones or anything this life could throw your way, remember that His word is alive and it is our weapon. Stand firm and do not accept the lies of the enemy that say "this is just the way it is" when that very statement contradicts the living, breathing word of the Lord! Let His will encompass you and let your relationship with Him empower you to walk boldly according to His will.

Even In the Smallest of Things

Do you ever feel like the things you do are pointless? The words you say don't matter? Or wonder if your life counts for something? I do... often. Not in a self-pity, woe is me kind of way. But in a "I'm a silly human living in a huge world that was designed and created by the giver of life Himself" kind of way... if that makes any sense?

Over the past few months I have done a lot of thinking and then praying and listening then processing and then praying some more. A lot of that looking like me saying "Lord, I'm just me and I don't see the big picture but I want to be obedient." With a lot of responses that sound like: "You are you, made in MY image (Genesis 1:26-27). You are you, filled with the SAME Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead (Romans 8:11). You are you, obediently putting faith to action (James 2:17)." He reminds me that every thing that I do for His glory, whether the biggest of leaps or the smallest of crawls, if done for Him is Holy.

Take a moment and watch this clip of Heidi Baker discussing this very same thing in a clip from the documentary 'Finger of God' by Darren Wilson:

It feels like too often we are in a mode of comparison that the things the Lord has asked of us seem insignificant. But I'm hear to remind us that the thoughts that stem from comparison are not truth. They are lies that the enemy likes to use to distract us from walking obediently in what the Lord has called us to do. Though we may not be standing on a stage in front of 200,000 people, though we may not have a worship cd out, though we may not have the title of pastor, though we may not be on the mission field in Africa... none-the-less, our obedience is Holy to Him.

We learn in the Word that God delights in our obedience far more than in any sacrifice or offering we could give (1 Samuel 15:22). As lovers of Jesus we must choose to dwell in a place where if everything we achieve for the Kingdom is done in the secret place it is ok with us. No pride. No need for recognition. But true, humble obedience to the Lord's will. Even if it is the smallest of steps.

When I hear Heidi talk about sweeping floors and holding children it stirs my heart to remember that small beginnings matter to the Lord (Zechariah 4:10). That out of her humility and obedience to do the small things that most see as unwanted tasks, she is allowed to experience such wonders. It's a heart condition that eventually shows it's fruit on the outside. Not false humility trying to fool the world into placing them on a pedestal, but true humble obedience to the call of the Father's heart.

When we are stuck in the "does my life count?" mindset, let's remember to humble ourselves before the Lord and ask Him to give us the tasks that will stir His heart. And let's take time invite His Spirit to be involved even in the smallest beginnings... For Heidi said it well:

"Everything we do is Holy unto Him"

So let us remind ourselves that it doesn't mater what the person's gifts over there look like and remember that as we declare His holiness in all we do with a heart of humility, that He will honor it and it WILL make a difference in this world... and be ok if that difference is big or small.

When The Earth Shakes

I learn lessons from so many random places... today it happened to be my nail salon. As most of the country knows, California is earth quake central. We often feel quakes happen and after a few minutes of "did you feel that?" being passed around the room or now days on social media, we move on with disregard. It's exciting / scary for a second but once the hype settles it's almost as if it never even happened. Today when our 2.9 quake hit, I saw a comparison and was stirred to remember something that I would like to share with you.

As I sat at the manicure table in my nail salon dozing while getting my neck massaged, I could feel a very content feeling in the room. Women were relaxed and still as they were being pampered and pretty much keeping to themselves. When my massage was over (which, by the way, is always the worst part... they could never massage long enough) I was sitting there soaking my hands in some warm water getting prepared for my nail lady to come work her magic. All of a sudden the chair and desk shook quickly. It was so quick that I thought it must have been a semi driving by. Within seconds the room jumped out of its stillness; and what started as whispers about a possible quake soon became bold reactions thanks to a confirmed news report on the tv. 

At first I joined the other women in the "excitement" but I quickly felt a stirring to just sit back and listen. The women talked about how big they thought this quake was and asked each what was the biggest quake they had ever experienced. One lady shared about how a 7.6 quake she experienced really changed her life and caused her to stop smoking. Another shared about her child being involved in relief work in other countries that had experienced major earth quakes. All of a sudden the ground shaking became a common ground and the popular topic of the room... It brought people together. 

After 5 minutes or so, and honestly after a little snooze on my part, my nail lady came over and started working on my nails. I looked around and everyone had gone right back to their own content spaces. It was quiet again in the room. My heart started to stir, and I even got a little emotional as I felt the Lord say, "this is the nature of man... that the earth will shake with my glory but when things settle man just returns to the contentment he knows." 

"Wow Lord, I was just trying to relax and get my nails done", is what my flesh thought, but my spirit was stirred up. 

I then thought of all the amazing revivals and moves of the Lord I had experienced in my life and heard about and studied in college. Why did these moves end? What causes us to return to the comfortable and become content with it? Jesus even had to deal with this with His disciples in Matthew 26 as He called them to pray, but they slept instead. He warned them: 

"The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." 

We desire for the Lord to move, we desire to be connected to Him, but our flesh wants the opposite... wants the "easy". So why even try then, right? Why try to make ourselves something we're not? Why not just find a hole and sit in it? Because He, the One who sacrificed everything for our salvation, freedom and healing is so beyond worth it! And, He has made a way for us to overcome our flesh... we don't even have to figure it out on our own, He gave us directions! The Bible tells us in Luke 9:23 to deny ourselves (flesh) and pick up our cross (sacrifice) daily. In doing this we make the conscious decision to see His Kingdom come and His will be done on earth as it is in heaven (Matthew 6:10). And that is the kind of decisions I want my life to count for. 

When the Kingdom of heaven shakes this earth and when His glory surrounds us it is so much more powerful and life changing than any earth quake could ever be. So as His church, as His bride let us not grow content in the mundane of this world. Let us not find solace in the flesh. But let us run the race set before us (Hebrews 12) shining His light and bringing glory to His name. Because if the earth shaking in the natural can cause a woman to change her life, cause a young man to give of himself to help others and can stir a group of women to unite and care about each other within seconds, imagine the transformation our world would embrace from the Spirit of God shaking everything that can be shaken.

Will you join me in praying for a mighty earth shake? 

"To Heavenly Minded For Earthly Good"

Today I had a moment of revelation and freedom and I want to share it...

I want to change this world! I have always had a desire to do something big and it benefit the world. I think I'm not alone though; Michael Jackson said it so well in "Man in The Mirror":

I'm gonna make a change
For once in my life
It's gonna feel real good
Gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right

 That is my dream... to make a difference and to make my life count. I have high aspirations of seeing what is so called "normal" shifted and redirected. But Michael also makes an even greater point later on in his song:

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearerIf you want to make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change

If I want to see a difference made, then I need to make sure that change is evident in me. Not only do I need to make sure it's evident, but that it has dug itself way down to the depths of my very being and taken root in my core. How do I do that? How do I prepare myself for such change? How do I make this world a better place? These are the questions and ponders I met the Lord with today.

I've heard it said, "Nikki, don't get so caught up in the spiritual that you miss what's going on down here on earth." In other words, don't be so heavenly minded that you are no earthly good. Have you ever been on the receiving end of that statement? Have you ever thought twice about it? I hadn't until today.

This afternoon as I sat in the chapel of my church worshiping and praying, the presence of the Lord was so sweet and peaceful. I was feeling so refreshed and just enjoying my time with Him that I had the thought "why can't it always be like this?" I quickly felt the Lord respond with "it can" in the most gentle way imaginable. Then I was flooded with the memories of all the conversations I'd had with people (in the church and out) who had told me in essence to not be to heavenly minded. It's interesting how all this time I had been storing those memories inside of me and holding on to them as if they were truth. This moment quickly turned into a lesson...

What does heavenly minded look like? What does earthly good look like? Were the disciples any earthly good because they loved Jesus and spent every moment possible with Him. And because they spent so much time with Him they learned how to love people and how to release healing and freedom. That sounds like some world changers to me. They weren't perfect people but their time with Jesus was evident in the way they impacted the world.

Why have we as the church, the body of Christ, myself, allowed this lie of needing to have something the world can relate to in order to make a difference to so impact us? It is not truth! People are searching for truth! They are searching for love! For freedom and healing! They are not looking for something they can relate to because they already have that. But what they don't have, we do.

The Father. Jesus. Holy Spirit.

The revelation I had today was that I want to be so heavenly minded that everything I do reflects the Father and releases Heaven on earth... that'd be a pretty big change for the world!

No more hiding behind religion. No more trying to walk the line of politically correct and loving Jesus (side note, Jesus was often not politically correct)! I want to spend my life so engulfed in Him, in His presence that He permeates out of my very being. Not afraid of how I may look to the world. Because if I allow Him fill me up He will give me the wisdom, the right things to say, the love to give. All of those things stem from being with Him, not by distancing myself from His presence.

I want to leave you with this... His presence is all we need! Here are some (just a few) verses that remind us of that:

Rest - Exodus 33:14

Love - 1 John 4:16

Power - Acts 2

Joy - Psalm 16:11

Strength - Joshua 1:9

Protection - Psalm 31:20, Psalm 23:4

Provision - John 15:5

Just as I was encouraged by this today, I pray that you will be as well. I pray that you will choose to break off the lies of religion that try to hide themselves in our minds and in place of that seek Jesus. Seek His heart and be confident to know that in Him this world WILL be changed!

You Make All Things New

"You make all things new, when You walk into the room.

Would You walk into the room?"

(Colors [Spontaneous] by Bethel)

We live our lives so selfishly. Always thinking of us first... it's the way of our flesh. We spend our lives searching for things to fill voids in our minds, in our hearts, in our spirits. We try and when that doesn't work then we try again... it's the way of our world. We are convinced our voids will be filled and problems will be solved with money, sex, titles, things... it's the way of our culture. To the world these things are the way... but I long for something new! 

I am filled with a longing for a new normal. A desire for a new satisfaction. That my yearnings would match up with what makes me complete and whole not what just stirs up endorphins for a second. And I have found that in Jesus. You see, when Jesus showed up in Jerusalem the normal for them was to sacrifice, to make the temple a common market place, to judge everyone around them... it was the way of that time. But Jesus came and He challenged every 'normal' thought they had. He challenged them not for the sake of drama, but because He knew He was there to make all things new. He became their sacrifice; He re-instilled holiness; He brought grace! He was the new!

And as Jesus accepted every lash of the whip, every thorn from he crown, and as He carried His cross along that dirt road lined with people celebrating His pain... He kept us in His mind. He knew this would change the world, but more importantly He knew it would change our hearts. For God so loved us that He sent Him... it was the way of the Kingdom.

On this Good Friday I am saying to the One who bore my sin and shame, who shed His blood for my healing, that I want all things new! Transform my earthly mind that is stuck in the way of my flesh, the way of my world and the way of my culture and in it's place fill me with the things of Your kingdom Lord! Fill me with the fruit of Your Spirit and the power of Your love... make me new! 

Lord, I know that when You enter a room we can't help but be changed by You being there. So I invite You, I ask You, please come and make all things new!

Smell

I close my eyes and take a deep breath in... that smell! I allow it to settle. My mind immediately associates the pictures from past adventures and all I want is to be back in that chapter of my story with the characters who have helped shape the story line. It doesn't just trigger a memory, it triggers a smile, a tear, a laugh... it triggers my heart.

I'm certain you've experienced the same, right? You can probably even faintly smell the smell you're thinking of, or picture the memories that go along with it. It's funny how a thing so small, such as our nose, can completely remove us from the present and take us back to memories past. But I'm thankful that the Lord created us to work this way.

I have been fortunate in my life to be able to travel to many places and countries. And in doing so I have attached many memories to smells around the world. The smell of charcoal bbq on a warm night immediately brings me back to the streets of El Salvador. I can picture the kids chasing dogs and kicking balls around in their bare feet. I can feel the warmth of the air on my face. And I feel every emotion connected to what I felt in that country. Then there is the smell of dirt that takes me right back to South Africa. I feel like I am right back in tent revival services seeing women worship with abandoned all while 2 little ones are held close to their bodies with beautiful wraps. I can feel the presence of the Lord so strongly when this memory is stirred up!

There are also memories from my college days... one that often makes me laugh because of how silly I was, the smell of sweet pea lotion. I immediately feel myself back at the dorm bathroom after washing my hair and taking dabs of that sweet pea lotion in my hands and scrunching my hair. My curls were beautiful but I didn't think I'd ever be able to get rid of that scent! lol

Or the smell of old carpet! Whew, this one! Many a nights spent on my face before the Lord in a room of 20 or so people crying out for His Kingdom to come and His will to be done! There is just nothing like old, dusty carpet!

Every spring when the calla lilies bloom and I smell their sweet aroma I am immediately transported back to Easter as a child! We would go to church that morning and then head over to my grandparent's. My grammy would create this feast of amazing food and all the older cousins would go hide the eggs for us littles to go find. We would spend the entire day laughing and spending time with one another... It was the way the world was supposed to be!

But one of my favorite smells was that of fresh cut grass! One of my favorite people in the world always smelt of grass! Even in his Sunday best he just could not escape this smell. My grandpa was a man that loved to use his hands and when his days as a blacksmith were over and it was time for retirement he decided to take up yard work as a side job. When I smell that grassy smell I remember the many days he would pick me up from school and the ridiculous conversations we would have about the most non-sensical things. Or I laugh with the thought of him asking me to trim his eyebrows because they were so out of control (side note: this is probably why I have an obsession with keeping my eyebrows nicely groomed! lol). Or the many, MANY grocery store runs we would go on just so he could get out of the house. Man, those are some simply sweet pieces of my heart!

It amazes me how deeply rooted smells are in our memories. But I am so grateful to have them. Because even when the chapter is finished, and some of the characters have gone I am still able to reminisce of the part they played in my story. It also reminds me to take every moment in. There is no need to rush through everything I do or disregard the small moments that take place in life, because who knows where the next memory will come from!

Dreaming... It's Ok!

Hi, I'm Nikki and I am a dreamer. I dream dreams of all sizes: big, small, now and future. In fact, I'm such a dreamer that many of my strengths from Strength Finders play in to dreaming... (side note: if you have never taken a Strength Finders test I would highly suggest you do it. Whether you are in ministry, school, business, etc it will help you to hone in on your strengths to be able to reach your goals more effective and efficiently. So after you read my post, google Strength Finders! Commercial over.)

Back to my being a dreamer. Because I love coming up with new ideas and casting new vision I can sometimes be so caught up in the dreams that when I look reality in the face it all seems so impossible. My current circumstances often pulling my feet back to the ground and informing me that these 'dreams' will never become reality. That I will never see the things my heart longs for. See, the enemy loves to come and steal, kill and destroy and by telling a dreamer that these desires are not possible He makes a good attempt at achieving his goals. But I am thankful that I serve the God of dreams. The God who showed Joseph unbelievable dreams that caused Joseph to cling to the promises. And so I get to laugh in the enemies face and remind him who I serve... Johovah Shammah: The Lord who is There! He is, He was and He always will be. He knows my dreams and I can rejoice in that... even if I don't see how they will ever come to be.

I know I'm not the only dreamer out in this crazy world, and that is why I wanted to write this blog. It doesn't matter if you've been dreaming for 5 minutes or for 80 years, don't lose hope. Remember all the crazy things Joseph had to go through before he saw his dreams fulfilled: mocking, abandonment, slavery, imprisonment... but he never gave up. He trusted the Lord. I want that to always be my example and I pray you can allow his story to rekindle any lost hope that may have faded over the years. 

You see, I often get discouraged that the majority of the people around me do not support or encourage my dreams. But instead of dwelling on what those people don't do, I remind myself of the ones in my life that do support me and do want to see these dreams come to pass. Those are the kind of people I want to keep in my life. Friends who know that my heart to travel and love on people is a huge part of who I am. It is a piece of me that the Lord created and that I want to see fulfilled... and they get it. They support me in prayer, they support me in conversations, they support me in hugs and sometimes even in finances. I am grateful for those dream encouragers!

I think I say all this tonight because I know how easy it is to get discouraged and want to give up. Feeling stuck in the now and it looks like you'll never move out of this place... that's exactly where I am right now, feeling stuck. But I want to remind you (and myself) that just because you FEEL stuck doesn't mean you ARE stuck. Trust the Lord, lean not on your own understanding, submit all your ways to Him and HE WILL make your path straight (Proverbs 3:5-6 paraphrased), that right there is a promise we can cling to! 

So Lord, let us dream even more. Let us lean in to You and submit all to You and see how You do Your wondrous works in our lives. I ask that you would bless us who are dreaming of the things You have for us; teach us to wait in You. Encourage those who are struggling to hold on to their dreams and remind them that You are the dream giver. I pray that the deceitful ways of the enemy would be broken off and that in place of his negativity You would plant hope and expectancy! Thank You for allowing us to dream! Thank You for allowing us to be excited for the things You have called us to. I ask for open doors and opportunities to swing wide in this season. And help us to be ready in season and out of season. All of this for Your glorious and wonderful name, Amen!

Why I Celebrate Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is tomorrow... first of all, how the heck are we already half way through February?!?! Geez la wheeze! But with that being said I have been spending some time thinking about this silly little holiday that is wrapped up in all things pink, red and chocolate covered.

It's a pretty funny thing the responses us single folk get around Valentine's Day... you know: the awkward avoidance's of the subject, sympathetic smiles, apologies after asking what our Valentine's plans are. And for some, I guess those precautions are needed, but for me I thoroughly enjoy celebrating February 14th. Why? Well let me break it down... 

In a day and age where love is often times stifled and looked at as a form of business thus fading fairly quickly, I find immense joy in having a whole day set apart to celebrate the true love shared around the world. To celebrate the man and wife who have fought for their marriage and stood the test of time for 60+ years; to rejoicing with the couple who have recently made the bold commitment to love each other in sickness and health; even celebrating the love a dating couple has for each by saving themselves till marriage... I will celebrate these things because they have value and when we don't recognize the worth of something so special it tends to fade away.

We see a world filled with hate and bitterness. Where divorce runs amok like an overflowing toilet. When couples can't seem to remember why they chose to say "I Do" in the first place and have lost every ounce of love they once held. We have seen over and over again the negativity that happens in a world where love is lost... so I choose to celebrate when love is found.

God, the I AM, Love Himself, blessed the earth when He gave Adam and Eve to each other. From their love came nations! Love creates; love changes things; love stretches us; love gives us depth. And I want to see those things not only in my life, but in the lives of those who I cherish. So I choose to acknowledge the value of love. In fact, I wish there were more of it around me to be able to celebrate.

I hope that the love I celebrate on this day will still be there many years to come. I pray that those who have not experienced love, that they will allow the Lord to be that for them! I have hope for this world and believe that Love can change it.

So this Valentine's Day if you are single I challenge you to not see the day as depressing and heavy, but take the chance to celebrate those who are fighting the good fight of keeping love alive in this world! It's hard work and it deserves to be celebrated! Yes, I do want to be able to celebrate it one day with a man of my own (lol) but today I choose to celebrate for those around me!