As I sit in my bedroom with candles lit, windows opened and the sound of the dogs running around in the yard with the smell of fall all around me... it makes me think on the many seasons my life has brought me through thus far.
The baby years, toddler years (both of which I obviously cannot remember), elementary school, middle school, high school, college... all of these mostly awkward and defined by my age. Then the after college years start and I recognize a shift in the seasons. I remember the season of joblessness for 3 years and then the season of Bay Fusion for the 3 after that. Seasons of hopelessness in being single and then seasons of rejoicing for the freedom of singledom. Seasons of ministry and seasons of rest... mind you the latter of those two is decently harder than the first. So many seasons to learn so many lessons and see growth. But it never matters which season I am thinking about, I can see the hand of the Lord clearly in the midst.
Right now in this season of walking in trust and peace the previous seasons bring me a sense of hope. For in all of those times the Lord never failed to bring fruit out of things that may have seemed furthest from being able to produce anything good. He is so faithful.
It's funny this season of life. I was certain the pictures I had in my mind at ages 16, 21 and 25 for this time in life would be exactly how I was living... but I'm pretty far off from those places. And that's ok with me. Because part of living a life of obedience to the Lord is trusting that His ways are higher than my ways. Where I thought things had to look 'this way' in order for my life to mean something, the Lord spoke softly and said, "my love, trust your beloved." Somehow, those words just make everything ok. :)
So, here I am... trusting. Maybe I will have those dreams come true... or, maybe my dreams will change! There's only One that knows and He's got my heart. In season and out, I will trust Him.
Monday, October 27, 2014
Friday, January 11, 2013
January... blah, blah, blah
I'm sitting here in my bed with my pup and I should be feeling grateful and blessed... but, instead I feel a sense of unease and mourning... on top of feeling sick!
You see, January used to be my favorite month... in fact I used to look forward to it months (usually starting in July) in advance. But over the last few years this month has become one of painful memories of those I've lost and things that have been taken away! Now don't get me wrong, I trust the Lord and have no anger about these things, but my heart is still sad! I have spent all this week remembering stories and thinking about promises the Lord has made... needless to say I have been an emotional wreck! One minute I am fine and can function like a normal human being and then I see or hear or smell something that reminds me my grandparents and I immediately begin to cry! Or I am reminded of desires and promises in my life that haven't been fulfilled and I really can't see (right now at least) how they could even be possible! The desire to be rid of debt, and yet I lose job after job after job... it's just CRAZY!!! The desire to be married... yep, enough said there! The desire to travel! So many longings and promises!
I would love to be able to just hop in the car right now, drive to a beach and just pop a tent up there until this month passes by... but I know that is not realistic! The Lord still has things for me to do, so I need to snap out of it, keep pressing in, keep trusting, and know that the plans the Lord has for me are GOOD!
Sometimes, all you need is a little vent to get the cloud out of the room so you can think clearly...
Consider the cloud cleared! :)
You see, January used to be my favorite month... in fact I used to look forward to it months (usually starting in July) in advance. But over the last few years this month has become one of painful memories of those I've lost and things that have been taken away! Now don't get me wrong, I trust the Lord and have no anger about these things, but my heart is still sad! I have spent all this week remembering stories and thinking about promises the Lord has made... needless to say I have been an emotional wreck! One minute I am fine and can function like a normal human being and then I see or hear or smell something that reminds me my grandparents and I immediately begin to cry! Or I am reminded of desires and promises in my life that haven't been fulfilled and I really can't see (right now at least) how they could even be possible! The desire to be rid of debt, and yet I lose job after job after job... it's just CRAZY!!! The desire to be married... yep, enough said there! The desire to travel! So many longings and promises!
I would love to be able to just hop in the car right now, drive to a beach and just pop a tent up there until this month passes by... but I know that is not realistic! The Lord still has things for me to do, so I need to snap out of it, keep pressing in, keep trusting, and know that the plans the Lord has for me are GOOD!
Sometimes, all you need is a little vent to get the cloud out of the room so you can think clearly...
Consider the cloud cleared! :)
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Grammy
I knew it wouldn't be long till you left us for good, but I don't think I realized the hole that would be felt when you did. Over the last few years as I've seen you grow weaker and weaker my heart has broken. I wanted to remember you as the strong, bold, entertaining, loving grandma that you were; the one who would take us to get McDonald's ice cream on days we stayed home "sick" from school; the grandma that sewed us dresses and cooked us the best most greasy food you have ever tasted; I wanted to remember the many Christmases we celebrated at your house with the big tree, lights all over and unending presents!! Grammy what I will miss most about you is when you would force me to sit in your lap and would sing "skinn a marinky dinky dink, skinn a marinky doo, I love you! I love you in the morning and in the afternoon, I love you in the evening and underneath the moon." I will never forget those memories that you created for me! I could never be more thankful for all the lessons I learned from watching you (even the ones I didn't want to learn at the time). My desire for cooking, music, entertaining and ministry all stemmed from who you are and who you raised this family to be. Now that I'm older I know there were struggles in your life that caused you to carry a heavy load and because of that I am thankful that you get to spend the rest of eternity burden and baggage free with Jesus and gramps. Tell gramps how much we miss him! And know there will forever be a hole where you once were in our lives. We love you gram!!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Wait...
The one word I despise (of course who in their right mind doesn't despise the word "wait"??)!! I am thinking about several different areas of my life where I am in a waiting positions... and have been for a while. I think about marriage... I long for it, I am excited for it, and the Lord says... WAIT! lol I am ok with that! I mean don't get me wrong, if the Lord said "NOW" I'd be all on top of that but because He says "wait" I know there is more to be done in me, my future husband and both of our relationships with the Lord! So I will wait...
The next area I think about when it comes to the word "wait" is a job! I have waited over a year to find a job that actually fits everything on my list of wants and after waiting that long here I am sitting and praying and waiting to hear back from the family! Again, I am fine with waiting knowing that the Lord has a reason and a purpose for this time, but it doesn't make it any easier! I was supposed to hear back from the family yesterday, but I will wait...
Then I think about making decisions... any decision! I love to be in control, I know hard to believe :), so when it comes to making a decision I want it done quickly! However, the Lord is teaching me to "wait" on Him for guidance. The more I learn to be patient and follow His leading the better off I will be and the more fruit I will bear! So, Lord, I wait on you...
And lastly, I think about my friends! I think about the hustle and bustle of life; the chaos that surrounds us! I want to just urge all of us to be patient! Don't rush a plant to grow if the Lord hasn't finished preparing it's roots! Don't rush fruit to come forth in the plant is still in infancy! The Lord knows when, how and where the best timing for everything is for our lives... so trust Him and WAIT!
I guess those 2 words go together... Trust and Wait! If we love the Lord than we must trust Him and His infinite wisdom! And if we trust Him then when He says WAIT we must know it's for our best... for as cliche as it has become, "'I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future...'" (Jeremiah 29:11)! If you struggle with trusting or waiting here are 2 things that will help: 1) ask Him to teach you how to do these things! He knows it's hard and He will teach you! and 2) Remember where He brought you from! The things He set you free from! The healing He gave you!! The salvation you have because of Him! He is that good! and when you start remembering those things you can't help but stir up that trust in Him and long to wait for the things He has for you!
SOOO... WAIT!!!
The next area I think about when it comes to the word "wait" is a job! I have waited over a year to find a job that actually fits everything on my list of wants and after waiting that long here I am sitting and praying and waiting to hear back from the family! Again, I am fine with waiting knowing that the Lord has a reason and a purpose for this time, but it doesn't make it any easier! I was supposed to hear back from the family yesterday, but I will wait...
Then I think about making decisions... any decision! I love to be in control, I know hard to believe :), so when it comes to making a decision I want it done quickly! However, the Lord is teaching me to "wait" on Him for guidance. The more I learn to be patient and follow His leading the better off I will be and the more fruit I will bear! So, Lord, I wait on you...
And lastly, I think about my friends! I think about the hustle and bustle of life; the chaos that surrounds us! I want to just urge all of us to be patient! Don't rush a plant to grow if the Lord hasn't finished preparing it's roots! Don't rush fruit to come forth in the plant is still in infancy! The Lord knows when, how and where the best timing for everything is for our lives... so trust Him and WAIT!
I guess those 2 words go together... Trust and Wait! If we love the Lord than we must trust Him and His infinite wisdom! And if we trust Him then when He says WAIT we must know it's for our best... for as cliche as it has become, "'I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future...'" (Jeremiah 29:11)! If you struggle with trusting or waiting here are 2 things that will help: 1) ask Him to teach you how to do these things! He knows it's hard and He will teach you! and 2) Remember where He brought you from! The things He set you free from! The healing He gave you!! The salvation you have because of Him! He is that good! and when you start remembering those things you can't help but stir up that trust in Him and long to wait for the things He has for you!
SOOO... WAIT!!!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
A'camping we will go...
Now that I've had a good 2 days to come back to reality (actually I am not so sure I have ever lived in a place called reality lol) I am going to give you a debriefing of the 1st of MANY Bay Fusion camping trips!!!
Let's just say the trip did NOT start off the greatest... I was late and I HATE being late. Especially when it's not by my own cause but because someone else is making me late! So I was a little irritated on the way there but got over it once I started seeing the beauty of the trees and such all around. Well, then we pulled into the parking lot and unloaded to start our "walk" to the campsite. Well this 12 minute walk ended up turning into almost a hour walk for Sette and I. We were lugging so much heavy stuff that it took us forever pulling the stuff over the hill on the path. Then half way there we look over to my name being called by someone in a boat and low and behold my sister and her friend are being taken to our campsite via boat while WE carry all of THEIR crap! BOOO lol
So once we got to the campsite and unloaded it felt so good to just sit in my camping chair and watch the sun set over the lake. We have the perfect place for our tent too... it was probably 5 feet from the lake shore with the door facing the water!! SOOO peaceful! The first night we had a campfire and some worship (which was awesome) and though we were only going to do a breakdown of the weekend it ended up being a time where we were able to pray for each other. It set some high standards for the rest of the weekend.
On Friday we woke up and had some breakfast and then some devotional time. My friend and Jenna and I ended up sitting by each other right on the lake shore and spent a good 45 mins just reading and praying by ourselves and then I asked her if she wanted to pray together for a few minutes. You know how you can have people pray for something for you over and over again and you still feel the weight of it and then it takes one person being obedient to what the Lord is putting in their heart to pray to release you from it? Well that is what happened on Friday. Jenna prayed over me and it was definitely a heart shifting and weight releasing prayer! Then I prayed for her and it got us pretty pumped up for the day. After that we pretty much just hung out around the camp until the campfire service. Jon (the one who started BF) was giving his testimony for the first time this night and so there was almost this tense expectancy of what the Lord was going to release. He talked about his addictions and such and people were coming up for prayer to have addictions broken off of them! AMAZING!
Saturday started off pretty much the same as Friday except I sat by myself and just cried during my devotion time. I really hate crying but sometimes it's just necessary. We played volley ball later that day and then they played a game of capture the flag. That night the Lord really showed up around the fire again. Jon spoke about serving and being comfortable with being uncomfortable. THEN we had a DP around the fire... pretty amazing!
Sunday was our last day together and everyone was pretty much moping around camp because none of us wanted to pack up and leave each other. We had a short little worship time and then took communion together as a family. That was a big unifying moment.
Shig, the Lord told you right... this weekend was the fusion part of this ministry!!! Can't wait to see what else the Lord has in store!!! :)
Let's just say the trip did NOT start off the greatest... I was late and I HATE being late. Especially when it's not by my own cause but because someone else is making me late! So I was a little irritated on the way there but got over it once I started seeing the beauty of the trees and such all around. Well, then we pulled into the parking lot and unloaded to start our "walk" to the campsite. Well this 12 minute walk ended up turning into almost a hour walk for Sette and I. We were lugging so much heavy stuff that it took us forever pulling the stuff over the hill on the path. Then half way there we look over to my name being called by someone in a boat and low and behold my sister and her friend are being taken to our campsite via boat while WE carry all of THEIR crap! BOOO lol
So once we got to the campsite and unloaded it felt so good to just sit in my camping chair and watch the sun set over the lake. We have the perfect place for our tent too... it was probably 5 feet from the lake shore with the door facing the water!! SOOO peaceful! The first night we had a campfire and some worship (which was awesome) and though we were only going to do a breakdown of the weekend it ended up being a time where we were able to pray for each other. It set some high standards for the rest of the weekend.
On Friday we woke up and had some breakfast and then some devotional time. My friend and Jenna and I ended up sitting by each other right on the lake shore and spent a good 45 mins just reading and praying by ourselves and then I asked her if she wanted to pray together for a few minutes. You know how you can have people pray for something for you over and over again and you still feel the weight of it and then it takes one person being obedient to what the Lord is putting in their heart to pray to release you from it? Well that is what happened on Friday. Jenna prayed over me and it was definitely a heart shifting and weight releasing prayer! Then I prayed for her and it got us pretty pumped up for the day. After that we pretty much just hung out around the camp until the campfire service. Jon (the one who started BF) was giving his testimony for the first time this night and so there was almost this tense expectancy of what the Lord was going to release. He talked about his addictions and such and people were coming up for prayer to have addictions broken off of them! AMAZING!
Saturday started off pretty much the same as Friday except I sat by myself and just cried during my devotion time. I really hate crying but sometimes it's just necessary. We played volley ball later that day and then they played a game of capture the flag. That night the Lord really showed up around the fire again. Jon spoke about serving and being comfortable with being uncomfortable. THEN we had a DP around the fire... pretty amazing!
Sunday was our last day together and everyone was pretty much moping around camp because none of us wanted to pack up and leave each other. We had a short little worship time and then took communion together as a family. That was a big unifying moment.
Shig, the Lord told you right... this weekend was the fusion part of this ministry!!! Can't wait to see what else the Lord has in store!!! :)
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
As the world turns...
I was thinking today about when I was younger and I would be "sick" (haha) and stay home from school at my aunt's daycare. I remember when all the kids were taking their nap she would turn on the soap operas and how consumed I got in them even as a kid. I LOVED the stories of men coming to the rescue of the woman and people being "dead" but really they weren't and they would show up the week after with a terrific story about what happened. And then I thought about this new book I'm reading called "Captivating" and, though I'm on in the first chapter, how much it helped me realize how many things in our everyday lives we push off because we see them as fantasy. Now, I know people who have passed are not just going to show up on our doorstep with an awesome story, however it is VERY possible for them to be raised from the dead but that is for another time I suppose lol. Tonight I am talking about that longing in us as woman to be pursued. I love how the author of this books asks the question "why are we ashamed of that longing?" Why do we as women hide the fact that we want to feel pursued and protected be a man? I know if I were to say that to a majority of my friends they would say "you're independent you can take care of yourself!" But you see, that's just it, when I am being independent and "she-woman" that can do all things I am not being who I was created to be. When the Lord put that desire in us as women He knew what He was doing and why! So, though it may be a long process, the Lord is teaching me that it is wonderful to be submitted to a man and stand under his covering. And though the wedding is a special day the marriage is what's going to have to last!
It's amazing how when you make yourself vulnerable to the Lord and share what is really in your heart He begins to take your places and reveal things that you didn't ever think about! I love the Lord and I am so glad I'm on his team... relationships are hard enough with Him, I can't imagine the hopelessness people feel when the don't have the leading of the Holy Spirit!
ok that's my rant for the night! haha
love y'all!!!
It's amazing how when you make yourself vulnerable to the Lord and share what is really in your heart He begins to take your places and reveal things that you didn't ever think about! I love the Lord and I am so glad I'm on his team... relationships are hard enough with Him, I can't imagine the hopelessness people feel when the don't have the leading of the Holy Spirit!
ok that's my rant for the night! haha
love y'all!!!
Monday, March 21, 2011
5 months ago...
Man it's crazy how life can change it such a short amount of time. I remember 5 months ago (having started about 3 years ago) I had just finished praying for the Lord to open doors for me. Now I am involved in my church as well as a young adults ministry and loving the busyness of it!!! I went from being at home pretty much all day everyday to being back in the environment where I feel most comfortable, with people and in ministry. I have met SOOO many people in the last 5 months it's crazy. I believe the Lord has really set up some awesome friendships that will be life long friendships and that puts a smile on my face! I look back and think of all the prayers prayed in my room for the Lord to show me the direction to take and how clear it is now!!!
Every time I meet someone new I can't help but wonder what role they will have in my life and mine in theirs. I think about what the Lord will do in each of us and how much glory it will bring to the kingdom!! We wouldn't have ministry if there weren't people to minister to and so I am grateful for all the new ministry opportunities that come around!! I love how the Lord divinely sets up relationships and conversations to bring about fruit for the Kingdom!
So listen, if you are looking to go on a trip or want to just come visit me you should do it around the 2nd Tuesday of any month. That is when Bay Fusion meets for our monthly service and I would LOVE to have ALL (5 of you hahaha) there to see what the Lord is doing, not only in my life but, in the lives of those all over the Bay Area.
Be praying for me... the Lord is changing me and with change comes a lot of uncharted territory and I am having to learn my way around. He's teaching me how to love unconditionally as well as serve unconditionally. He's teaching me how to have brothers and sisters and making them feel valued and not discouraged. I love this time in my life and so I want t honor the Lord in every lesson as well as relationship!! :)
night folks
Every time I meet someone new I can't help but wonder what role they will have in my life and mine in theirs. I think about what the Lord will do in each of us and how much glory it will bring to the kingdom!! We wouldn't have ministry if there weren't people to minister to and so I am grateful for all the new ministry opportunities that come around!! I love how the Lord divinely sets up relationships and conversations to bring about fruit for the Kingdom!
So listen, if you are looking to go on a trip or want to just come visit me you should do it around the 2nd Tuesday of any month. That is when Bay Fusion meets for our monthly service and I would LOVE to have ALL (5 of you hahaha) there to see what the Lord is doing, not only in my life but, in the lives of those all over the Bay Area.
Be praying for me... the Lord is changing me and with change comes a lot of uncharted territory and I am having to learn my way around. He's teaching me how to love unconditionally as well as serve unconditionally. He's teaching me how to have brothers and sisters and making them feel valued and not discouraged. I love this time in my life and so I want t honor the Lord in every lesson as well as relationship!! :)
night folks
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